Wishing Heart
by dilly2
Summary: FFIV - Kain goes back to Baron after 5 long years trying to purify himself. But, on the way, he is haunted by demons of the past.
1. Prologue

There are so many things to miss. My home. My status. My unrequited beloved.

But all I could think of is my friend.

Cecil is why I wanted to go home. Cecil is why I was afraid to go. 

He sent me a letter when they married. I must have read it a million times. I have it memorized now. 

_Kain,_

I missed you at the wedding. I understand that it would have been hard for you. Know that you're always in our minds and hearts. Please, keep safe. I wouldn't know what to do if I lost you. No matter what happened then and what happens later, you'll always be special to me. I'll never forget.

I hope to see you soon. 

Love,  
Cecil 

I sighed and adjusted my headband. It was times like this that I missed wearing that bulky helmet all the time. It was a pain and it was hot, but it hid my face under it's mass. And, in turn, hid my emotions. I could control my voice, my word choice, my body language, but I never learned to control my eyes. The had betrayed innumerable times. The uneasiness at the pit of my stomach told me that they would betray me again if I was not careful.

The top most towers of the great castle of Baron bounced up and down over the horizon along with the chocobo I rode. I took a deep breath and dug my heels into the sides of my mount causing him to squwak and stall.

"Tomorrow," I said to myself. "Tomorrow, I'll deal with the present. Tonight, I have the past to contend with."


	2. Mistaken

I was 18. It was early morning just outside of Baron's city walls. The air was icy and dew-scented. I had never really been awake so early to enjoy the morning before. But this morning, I was a Dragoon.

It was my dream. The vague glimpses of my father's face still etched into my mind are obscured by his peacock blue helmet. He was powerful almost to the point of frightening. He was confident almost to the point of egotistical. He was loyal almost to the point of blindness.

He was everything that I wanted to be.

My childish mind had decided that now that my face was obscured by a helmet and the heavy armor made me seem more powerful, more confident, more loyal, that I had succeeded.

So that morning, filled with pride and excitement, I hopped on a chocobo and rode out alone towards the forest. The controlled battles had prepared me. My new spear and helmet encouraged me.

My chocobo was starting to become skittish when we reached the first of the trees and stopped altogether when they were dense enough to block out the early morning sun. I slid off of it and patted it on it's fluffy flank.

"Go on, you giant chicken. I can take it from here."

It didn't take a word more to convince him to go. He squawked and ran headlong toward his stable back in Baron. I watched him go with a smile on my lips. Only months ago, I would have been as frightened as that bird to enter this forest. I gripped my spear. It made me brave.

The roar broke into my thoughts. I swung around, finding myself face to face with a huge creature that looked like some hybrid of a dog and an eagle. I jumped back. A second too late. Its claws raked across my breastplate, and caught, loosing the hinges. When I landed a few feet away, my armor clanked to the ground. Nothing this big was supposed to be in the forest. Not this close to Baron.

My heart was thumping in my ears and I was sweating, but I readied my spear and lept again. This time _towards_ my enemy. I landed on its back and it roared again, throwing me off into a heap on the ground. Before I could recover, it pounced on me, digging its claws into my unprotected shoulders. I could feel my skin tearing, my bones breaking. It hovered over me, snarling. I prepared myself for it's teeth.

"Hey, you mutt!" A rock thudded against the monster's side. It whipped its head around and growled. Another rock hit it in the face. "Leave him alone!"

I would have known that voice anywhere. It was Cecil.

The creature left me and began to stalk towards its new prey. I pulled myself to my feet, adrenaline deadening my nerves. Cecil looked at me over the monster's head and nodded. I knew what to do. Somewhere in me, I found the power to jump onto it again. But, this time, it was distracted. I dug the point of my spear into its back and held on for dear life. It howled and bucked, but this time, I didn't let go. Cecil drew his sword and slashed into the monster's throat. I pulled out my spear and jumped to my friend's side. He caught me as my legs gave out from under me.

"Come on, we have to get out of here in case he has friends. I'm so sorry. I know it hurts, but I can't carry you that far."

I held fast to Cecil's shoulder and allowed him to lead me out of the forest, where my chocobo and his waited, tied to a tree. He lifted me up onto my mount. I had never realized how much stronger than me he really was.

"How..?" I asked through the haze that was growing in my mind.

"I was looking for you," he said as he pulled himself up onto his chocobo and put his hand on the neck of mine to tell it to follow. "Your chocobo was missing, so I left Baron to see where you went. When I saw him running back the way he was, I was worried. So I had him show me where he left you."

I smiled and nuzzled the feathered neck I was leaning on. "Thank you." I mumbled, before I passed out.

***

I was reprimanded for my actions by King Baron, who had raised me since my father, and last of my kin, had died. I was made fun of by all of my fellows and disregarded by anyone of higher rank. My right arm was in a cast for several months and was permanently weakened for it.

Cecil received a metal. And Cecil was respected even by those of higher rank. And Cecil was unscathed.

And Cecil hadn't visited me while I was bed ridden.

All of it was too much for me. I was furious. For months, we avoided one another, each pretending the other didn't exist.

One afternoon, I was in the cafeteria talking to Wedge over a bowl of salty soup when Cecil came in with Rosa in tow.

I interrupted Wedge, who was speaking at length about the success of his last battle simulation.

"That's _great_, Wedge! You really showed some guts out there." I guffawed at the top of my lungs and slapped him on the back. I risked a glance at Cecil, who was sitting next to Rosa and talking quietly with her. "Well, I should be going! I have some practice to do. Gotta work my arm back up, you know."

Wedge rolled his eyes. He was used to this act by now. "Yeah, sure Kain. I'll see you around."

I stood and dramatically snatched up my half empty bowl. Cecil and Rosa were in the direct center of the path from my bench to the sink. I walked past them, pretending not to care that they existed. Their conversation stopped as I neared and Rosa looked at me. I dumped the remains of my soup and stomped toward the practice hall.

They had been talking about me. And it pissed me off.

I heard rapid clicking footsteps behind me and I turned to meet them.

"Kain," Rosa said breathily. "Kain, I wanted to talk to you."

I crossed my hands over my chest and cocked an eyebrow. "All right."

"Somewhere private..."

"Fine." I turned on a heel and walked briskly toward the garden. It was private enough without being intimate. And she was the last person I wanted to be intimate with right then. Cecil would still talk to _her_ had our roles been reversed.

I sat heavily on one of the secluded benches by a cherry blossom tree. She dusted off the spot next to me and sat.

"So? What is it?" I snapped.

"I want to ask you this because he won't ask you himself and it's driving him crazy. And, quite frankly, _he's_ driving _me_ crazy with it."

I nodded slowly, inviting her to go on.

"Well, since Cecil saved you from that monster, you've been rather... distant with him. Even rude. Your behavior in the cafeteria, for example. You're not acting like yourself."

I hunched up my shoulders and my mouth gaped. "That's because he's mad at me! He won't talk to me! He thinks he's better than I am just because he..."

"Saved your life," she finished dryly.

"I would have been fine without him."

"He's not mad at you. Quite the opposite. He's been worrying himself sick about you."

"Right. Which is why he didn't visit me when I was recovering."

She smiled and shook her head. "So that's it? He thought your pride was bruised enough without him coming around and rubbing it in your face while you were stuck on a cot. Perhaps both of you have... assumed a bit much. I don't know if Cecil _could_ get mad at you. Much less think he's better than you."

I opened my mouth to argue. But, as I seldom did, I realized that I was wrong and stayed silent for a moment to think.

"You're right," I admitted.

Her eyes widened. She was certainly used to being right, but not to hearing me say that she was. "Do you want me to get him for you, or will you do it yourself?"

"I'll do it." I took a deep breath and stood.

"It was a misunderstanding on both parts, Kain. I know that if you give him the chance, he'll apologize without you needing to do so first."

I grinned. "Stop being so damned smart, Rosa."

She reached up and took my hand in hers and squeezed it. Our eyes met for a short, intense moment before we both looked away.

  
  



End file.
